Recently
I had my own experience with a kriya. I felt for a long time that my senior
college was not doing an adequate enough job to prepare me for my career in
film and television. Because of this, I chose to close myself off to other
members of the department and wallow in my own grief, passing the blame of my
miseducation on to my superiors and peers alike. I was so upset that I had
basically disassociated myself with the department. I avoided any kind of
personal relationship with both students and professors under the belief that
there was nothing they could teach me nor did they care for my well-being in
terms of my education. At the end of my sophomore year I had developed a severe
case of self-loathing, the symptoms of which presented themselves in a series
of bad habits. I was closed off to my friends, I was disengaged from my
schoolwork (a problem that severely affected my grades) and I was generally
unhappy with my entire situation, especially in terms of my schooling. I had a
long talk with my parents and they helped me realize that for the sake of my
own sanity I needed to get out of school as quickly as I could, and luckily, I was
able to rearrange my schedule in a way that would allow me to graduate in three
years instead of the traditional four. This new revelation brought about a new
feeling of fear. I was afraid that because I had closed myself off to the
department, I wasn’t going to have the support and friendship that I suddenly
desired from my peers. When the UTA members gave out prizes and played the name
game for the seniors at the final forum, I didn’t want to be the person they
didn’t clap for or that didn’t get a hug; and so I decided to act. I knew I needed
to make a change if I wanted to develop friendships in the department, so I participated
in the general auditions for the Main Stage and Lab Season productions in the fall
of my junior/senior year. This was the beginning of my most recent kriya and I couldn’t
be more proud of myself for taking that step and changing the way I approached
my education. I’m still not a stellar student and there is certainly more I
could do in terms of responsibility and work ethic. However, I directly
associate my newfound friendships and respect for the department with my
participation in the lab season. This experience sent me on a spiritual
rollercoaster that I’m still riding, smiling and screaming with my hands in the
air. I have come to understand the importance of developing myself as an artist
and as a scholar and as a reliable friend. I am happy that I now have multiple perspectives
on the world in which I am engaged, and I know that this would not have
happened had I not experienced this kriya.
I am eighty years old. My back is
crooked, my hair has fallen out, I’m weak, and I’m happy. I know that at this
point in my life I have had a successful career. Maybe not in film or art, but I
have provided stability for my wife and children and I have made peace with my
mother and father before they passed away. I still play the piano, I still love
the cinema, and I still keep in touch with my sister, who is the same strong
stubborn woman that she’s always been. After fifty I fully accepted the reality
of my own mortality. Because of this I was comfortable picking up those bad
habits that I shied away from in my youth. I traveled the world and made as
many new discoveries as I could. I found solace in books and a glass of scotch
and in giving my family everything they ever wanted. Also after fifty, I found
pride in becoming the responsible advocate for every member of my extended
family. I became someone that they could rely on for help and guidance in every
aspect of their life and for whatever reason. I am writing to you, Quincy, to
tell you not to be afraid. The greatest source of discomfort that we have
experienced throughout the years is the desire to be what others see in you as
opposed to what you see in yourself. Be true to yourself and start now, because
in the end you will still be the same. However, I hope that this letter of
warning will be enough to give you inner peace at an earlier age. Also, don’t
ever give up on your dream. You will be scared, for that is the nature of our
being, but I am here to tell you that you must complete throw yourself into
your work and into your own life. Do not be afraid to live outside of the
boundaries that others set for you. They do not know you as well as you know
yourself. It is your job to trust the things you tell yourself instead of
writing them off as unimportant. We will regret this later in life if you do
not believe in yourself. Just know that although you will make plenty of
mistakes in the near and far future, I am more proud of you than anyone else.
I love you,
-Q
I
am eight years old. My hair is still straight and blonde and messy as always. I
climb trees, I play make-believe with my beanie baby collection, I sing, and I love
to be the center of attention. I play familiar melodies on our father’s piano
even though I’m not yet old enough to take lessons. I know how to make
cocktails and start a fire, and I love to play at being an adult. I am writing
to you, Quincy, to ask you what happened. Where did our energy go? Where is our
thirst to try and to succeed at tasks that we have not yet mastered? We don’t we
climb trees anymore? And when did we start caring what other people think? I’m
afraid that this day is coming for me soon, and I don’t want it to. Please do
your best to think of me and to care about my feelings too. Please remember
what it was like to enjoy taking risks and to live in the now and to love your
friends and to care for your family. But I also want to thank you. Thank you
for still playing make believe, and for playing the piano even if we don’t know
any songs, and for loving our sister more than anyone in the world. And for
trying even though we don’t believe in our self anymore. I know that you’ll
find it again. You’re good at what you do, no matter what it is and I’m here to
remind you that right now you think very highly of yourself. We are powerful
because of that. Our confidence is real for me, and even though you’re faking
it for us right now, I believe that one day you’ll find a way to make it real
again. I want you to make us proud. It isn’t up to me anymore. It’s up to you.
I love you very very much,
-Quincy
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