Journal Entry 5: Shame

            At this point in my life I have plenty of experience being shamed and very little experience shaming someone else. While I haven’t given this topic much attention in the past, I have recently come to realize that shame is a feeling we often get when we have wronged someone else by our actions, though we are not really certain in what capacity. I remember being shamed quite often as a child, and I can tell you that while our shame is driven by a lack of understanding, it is still a very powerful force that others can impose upon us. My mother was often very adept at causing me to feel shameful for certain inappropriate actions. It was often situations such as putting my elbows on the table, leaning back in my chair, not combing my hair, touching everything in sight in various retail stores, etc. It wasn’t until recently that I realized my mother was chastising me for these things because she was afraid of the perception of those around us concerning my mother’s ability to raise a child. She often would tell me my behavior was impolite or that others were made uncomfortable by what I was doing, which to me supports Cameron’s statement regarding shame. My mother would tell me my behavior was impolite or rude, though she never bothered to explain to me why. At that point I don’t think I needed any further explanation. It was enough for me to believe that if I behaved in a shameful manner again, I would be punished for my actions. Looking back, my ignorance was both my savior and my oppressor. I still often think of things that I could do today that I don’t truly believe is wrong, but I avoid participating in those activities only because I know it would upset my mother.

            As I said before, my experience with shaming others is limited. However, there is one particular instance I can think of where I have felt shaming is necessary. For a couple consecutive summers I worked at a summer camp in the Hill Country of South Texas. It is an all-boys camp with kids ages 6 – 16. When I was a counselor, I was responsible for a group of children between the ages of 6 and 9. There were often times when these campers would behave in ways that would not be deemed appropriate for camp life, and yet it was very difficult for them to understand why. Whenever I would catch one of these tiny troublemakers participating in devious acts, I would try my best to explain to them why this behavior was inappropriate. However, they were often too young to truly understand what the issue was. In these instances, I felt forced to rely on shaming them in order to get the point across. When I did so, I never shamed them under the impression that I was embarrassed by their behavior because I wasn't. Rather I would shame them in order to protect them from their own actions. I simply knew that what that they were doing was wrong, and stopping them in a way that keep that type of behavior from persisting was what I though was truly in the best interest of the campers. I knew that they didn't understand the why of it just yet, but I believe that in the future they will be made better people because of my intervention. I often wonder if my mother underwent the same thought process when shaming me as a child.

            Guilt, on the other hand, is something that I believe is brought about internally. Guilt can only occur when one has a genuine understanding of their wrongdoing. I find that at this time in my life, guilt has a much stronger effect on me than shame does. When some else is telling me that my behavior is wrong I often think, “Well maybe not. What do they know anyways? Why should I adhere to their belief system?” But when I know in my heart that my behavior is wrong because it goes against my own beliefs, it is a much more powerful influence on what I do and say. I think that because guilt can only be brought about internally, it is much more important to be in touch with our own beliefs on how to behave as opposed to others. While it is true that shame can sometimes lead to guilt, the reciprocal is rarely true, and so as long as we can trust in ourselves to follow our own system, shame need never be an influential force in our life. It can only lead to the adherence of another’s code of conduct. Guilt on the other hand can be a very positive thing as long as we use it to help ourselves better ourselves by our own standards.