Journal # 6: Kriya and Time Travel

            Recently I had my own experience with a kriya. I felt for a long time that my senior college was not doing an adequate enough job to prepare me for my career in film and television. Because of this, I chose to close myself off to other members of the department and wallow in my own grief, passing the blame of my miseducation on to my superiors and peers alike. I was so upset that I had basically disassociated myself with the department. I avoided any kind of personal relationship with both students and professors under the belief that there was nothing they could teach me nor did they care for my well-being in terms of my education. At the end of my sophomore year I had developed a severe case of self-loathing, the symptoms of which presented themselves in a series of bad habits. I was closed off to my friends, I was disengaged from my schoolwork (a problem that severely affected my grades) and I was generally unhappy with my entire situation, especially in terms of my schooling. I had a long talk with my parents and they helped me realize that for the sake of my own sanity I needed to get out of school as quickly as I could, and luckily, I was able to rearrange my schedule in a way that would allow me to graduate in three years instead of the traditional four. This new revelation brought about a new feeling of fear. I was afraid that because I had closed myself off to the department, I wasn’t going to have the support and friendship that I suddenly desired from my peers. When the UTA members gave out prizes and played the name game for the seniors at the final forum, I didn’t want to be the person they didn’t clap for or that didn’t get a hug; and so I decided to act. I knew I needed to make a change if I wanted to develop friendships in the department, so I participated in the general auditions for the Main Stage and Lab Season productions in the fall of my junior/senior year. This was the beginning of my most recent kriya and I couldn’t be more proud of myself for taking that step and changing the way I approached my education. I’m still not a stellar student and there is certainly more I could do in terms of responsibility and work ethic. However, I directly associate my newfound friendships and respect for the department with my participation in the lab season. This experience sent me on a spiritual rollercoaster that I’m still riding, smiling and screaming with my hands in the air. I have come to understand the importance of developing myself as an artist and as a scholar and as a reliable friend. I am happy that I now have multiple perspectives on the world in which I am engaged, and I know that this would not have happened had I not experienced this kriya.

            I am eighty years old. My back is crooked, my hair has fallen out, I’m weak, and I’m happy. I know that at this point in my life I have had a successful career. Maybe not in film or art, but I have provided stability for my wife and children and I have made peace with my mother and father before they passed away. I still play the piano, I still love the cinema, and I still keep in touch with my sister, who is the same strong stubborn woman that she’s always been. After fifty I fully accepted the reality of my own mortality. Because of this I was comfortable picking up those bad habits that I shied away from in my youth. I traveled the world and made as many new discoveries as I could. I found solace in books and a glass of scotch and in giving my family everything they ever wanted. Also after fifty, I found pride in becoming the responsible advocate for every member of my extended family. I became someone that they could rely on for help and guidance in every aspect of their life and for whatever reason. I am writing to you, Quincy, to tell you not to be afraid. The greatest source of discomfort that we have experienced throughout the years is the desire to be what others see in you as opposed to what you see in yourself. Be true to yourself and start now, because in the end you will still be the same. However, I hope that this letter of warning will be enough to give you inner peace at an earlier age. Also, don’t ever give up on your dream. You will be scared, for that is the nature of our being, but I am here to tell you that you must complete throw yourself into your work and into your own life. Do not be afraid to live outside of the boundaries that others set for you. They do not know you as well as you know yourself. It is your job to trust the things you tell yourself instead of writing them off as unimportant. We will regret this later in life if you do not believe in yourself. Just know that although you will make plenty of mistakes in the near and far future, I am more proud of you than anyone else.

I love you,

-Q

            I am eight years old. My hair is still straight and blonde and messy as always. I climb trees, I play make-believe with my beanie baby collection, I sing, and I love to be the center of attention. I play familiar melodies on our father’s piano even though I’m not yet old enough to take lessons. I know how to make cocktails and start a fire, and I love to play at being an adult. I am writing to you, Quincy, to ask you what happened. Where did our energy go? Where is our thirst to try and to succeed at tasks that we have not yet mastered? We don’t we climb trees anymore? And when did we start caring what other people think? I’m afraid that this day is coming for me soon, and I don’t want it to. Please do your best to think of me and to care about my feelings too. Please remember what it was like to enjoy taking risks and to live in the now and to love your friends and to care for your family. But I also want to thank you. Thank you for still playing make believe, and for playing the piano even if we don’t know any songs, and for loving our sister more than anyone in the world. And for trying even though we don’t believe in our self anymore. I know that you’ll find it again. You’re good at what you do, no matter what it is and I’m here to remind you that right now you think very highly of yourself. We are powerful because of that. Our confidence is real for me, and even though you’re faking it for us right now, I believe that one day you’ll find a way to make it real again. I want you to make us proud. It isn’t up to me anymore. It’s up to you.

I love you very very much,

-Quincy

Journal Entry 5: Shame

            At this point in my life I have plenty of experience being shamed and very little experience shaming someone else. While I haven’t given this topic much attention in the past, I have recently come to realize that shame is a feeling we often get when we have wronged someone else by our actions, though we are not really certain in what capacity. I remember being shamed quite often as a child, and I can tell you that while our shame is driven by a lack of understanding, it is still a very powerful force that others can impose upon us. My mother was often very adept at causing me to feel shameful for certain inappropriate actions. It was often situations such as putting my elbows on the table, leaning back in my chair, not combing my hair, touching everything in sight in various retail stores, etc. It wasn’t until recently that I realized my mother was chastising me for these things because she was afraid of the perception of those around us concerning my mother’s ability to raise a child. She often would tell me my behavior was impolite or that others were made uncomfortable by what I was doing, which to me supports Cameron’s statement regarding shame. My mother would tell me my behavior was impolite or rude, though she never bothered to explain to me why. At that point I don’t think I needed any further explanation. It was enough for me to believe that if I behaved in a shameful manner again, I would be punished for my actions. Looking back, my ignorance was both my savior and my oppressor. I still often think of things that I could do today that I don’t truly believe is wrong, but I avoid participating in those activities only because I know it would upset my mother.

            As I said before, my experience with shaming others is limited. However, there is one particular instance I can think of where I have felt shaming is necessary. For a couple consecutive summers I worked at a summer camp in the Hill Country of South Texas. It is an all-boys camp with kids ages 6 – 16. When I was a counselor, I was responsible for a group of children between the ages of 6 and 9. There were often times when these campers would behave in ways that would not be deemed appropriate for camp life, and yet it was very difficult for them to understand why. Whenever I would catch one of these tiny troublemakers participating in devious acts, I would try my best to explain to them why this behavior was inappropriate. However, they were often too young to truly understand what the issue was. In these instances, I felt forced to rely on shaming them in order to get the point across. When I did so, I never shamed them under the impression that I was embarrassed by their behavior because I wasn't. Rather I would shame them in order to protect them from their own actions. I simply knew that what that they were doing was wrong, and stopping them in a way that keep that type of behavior from persisting was what I though was truly in the best interest of the campers. I knew that they didn't understand the why of it just yet, but I believe that in the future they will be made better people because of my intervention. I often wonder if my mother underwent the same thought process when shaming me as a child.

            Guilt, on the other hand, is something that I believe is brought about internally. Guilt can only occur when one has a genuine understanding of their wrongdoing. I find that at this time in my life, guilt has a much stronger effect on me than shame does. When some else is telling me that my behavior is wrong I often think, “Well maybe not. What do they know anyways? Why should I adhere to their belief system?” But when I know in my heart that my behavior is wrong because it goes against my own beliefs, it is a much more powerful influence on what I do and say. I think that because guilt can only be brought about internally, it is much more important to be in touch with our own beliefs on how to behave as opposed to others. While it is true that shame can sometimes lead to guilt, the reciprocal is rarely true, and so as long as we can trust in ourselves to follow our own system, shame need never be an influential force in our life. It can only lead to the adherence of another’s code of conduct. Guilt on the other hand can be a very positive thing as long as we use it to help ourselves better ourselves by our own standards.