Journal Entry #9

I often think that if I were trapped alone on an island with no one else around me, my self-worth would be through the roof. There are many things about myself that I like and many things that I think I do extremely well. However, these perceptions of myself are often challenged by the way other people see me and by their reactions to my behavior and my talents. This can sometimes be incredibly detrimental. Recently my mother called me to tell me (yet again) that she thought it was time for me to get a hair cut. It has probably been about eight months since I’ve gotten it cut, and I often go back and forth on whether or not I like having it long. However, I know that if I cut it only because other people thought that it looked bad, I would feel horrible for succumbing to the whims of others especially when I know that in this instance the length of my hair isn’t actually hurting anyone. My mother’s argument for why I should get it cut was that people kept telling her that I looked like something was wrong. She told me that her friends (who live four hours away from me, are about thirty years older than I am, and whom I haven’t spoken to in about three years) have seen pictures of my long hair and have told her that I look depressed and sickly; thin and tired, immature and unruly. In reality I get a lot of power from my hair being long, especially when it becomes a challenge to keep it long because it’s something that I like. I find that it is a great booster to my self-worth in that I can rise about the wishes of others and not feel guilty about having my hair the way I want it. However, it becomes much more of a challenge and quite a blow to my confidence when my mother is telling me that she wants me to get it cut because it’s what her friends what me to do and not something that I want. This is just a small example of how my self-worth is in constant conflict with what others want from me, especially when it’s really none of their business. There are other times where the whims of others have succeeded in bringing my self-worth down a couple of notches, and I have found that it is harder to overcome these moments when others “win”.  This is most prevalent in terms of my artistic ability and talent. Often times (and much more so in my younger days) I become incredibly invested in a project and can’t wait to share my art with others. When I do, I am downtrodden by their reactions to my work, and while they might tell me that I’ve done a good job or that it was an interesting piece, I can tell in the way they say it that they do not genuinely believe in my ability. I have found that this can often keep me from wanting to continue on the path to being an artist, and it has made me much more selective in who I share my work with. Now I only tend to show my work to the people I can trust to see its merit as well as its flaws. Which brings me to my final point: I do think that there are certain benefits in listening to those who you trust to better yourself. If we are all confident in the way we are and in our own beliefs, then there is no room for improvement. Sometimes it is necessary for us to experience moments of humility in order to keep a healthy perspective on our place in the world. The people that we trust to keep us grounded have a great power in making sure that we do not become so set in our ways that it makes us egotistical. They can keep from thinking we are the center of the world without destroying our self-worth, almost as if they give us constructive criticism on our lives and our behavior. I find that these healthy influences are incredibly beneficial. The question then becomes who do we listen to, and at which point do their comments quit being helpful and start being destructive to our own confidence. Personally, I believe this starts with asking ourselves, is what I’m doing hurting others, and do those people have the right to feel hurt by my behavior?